Let's Play Two
The Dodgers and Padres narrowly avoided playing two full games yesterday, with the Dodgers winning a 5-4 marathon in 17 innings. All pitchers and bench players on both teams were used up, except for Wilson Betemit. He and Grady claim he was unavailable because of food poisoning due to some bad chicken wings he ate the night before. I claim he was unavailable because of his .133 batting average.

Chief Medlock
It's never a good thing when the best player on your football team is the kicker. Alas, that was the case with UCLA this season. The Kansas City Chiefs took Justin Medlock with the 2nd pick in the 5th round, making him both the first kicker and first Bruin selected. Only, no other Bruin was drafted. We should all be happy that the win over USC made Bruin fans forget that the rest of the season was painfully mediocre. Anyway, Medlock figures to win the job in KC from Lawrence Tynes; if not immediately then at some time during the season for sure. Tynes made only 56% of his kicks from 40-49 yards this past season, a distance Medlock made with 76% accuracy at UCLA.

NBA Playoffs
The playoffs have been a little wacky this year. Miami got swept by the Bulls and the Nets are up 3-1 on Toronto. But by far the biggest surprise has to be Golden State repeatedly spanking the Dallas Mavericks on their way to a 3-1 lead in the series.

Even though the Warriors swept Dallas in the regular season, I am stunned by what is happening in this series. The Mavs have yet to display any semblance of a playoff mode and don't seem to be playing with any sense of urgency. They're just bending over and handing Baron Davis the lube. Golden State, on the other hand, is playing furiously. Their small ball tactics employ a swarming defense and a demoralizing drive-and-kick game that's ridiculously fun to watch. Why is this happening? Perhaps Dirk isn't really the MVP-level player we all thought he was. Perhaps Avery Johnson (the student) is being outcoached by his old mentor Don Nelson (the master). Perhaps Baron Davis is healthy for the first time since he was 6 years old. All viable reasons, but the most likely has to be: Bruins on the Warriors: 2. Bruins on the Mavs: 0.

Randy Moss: Patriot
By now you all must have heard the Raiders traded Randy Moss to New England for a 4th round pick. In the past few months, the Pats' top two recievers have gone from Jabar Gaffney and Reche Caldwell to Randy Moss and Donte Stallworth. Amazing. Bill Belichik's genius shines again. After getting blasted all last season for leaving Tom Brady with no tools to work with, the Patriots are the clear-cut Superbowl favorites going into this season. Considering they were millions under the cap last year and were only one drive away from the big game, they have to be. I just can't wait for the annual Pats/Colts game and the possibility that Moss might moon Peyton Manning.

The Good
Darren Collison announced today that he would be staying at UCLA for his junior season, ending speculation that the first team all Pac-10 point guard would bolt for the NBA. After helping the Bruins to two straight Final Four appearances, it's good to see him back again. With Collison, Josh Shipp, Kevin Love, and (I'm guessing) a Mata/Mbah a Moute platoon, four fifths of our starting 5 is set...

The Bad
Speaking of the UCLA starting five, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute also announced today he would return for his junior season. Although there wasn't so much jazz about him going pro after he played the whole season looking lazier than Shaquille O'Neal in August. Granted, he was hurt in the beginning of the year, but it still looks like he regressed as a player. What happened to the hard-nosed hustling Luc from two years ago? Maybe they left him in Cameroon.

And the Ugly
The Lakers got clobbered by the Phoenix Suns again, 126-98. They're now down 2-0 in the series and Suns fans are bringin' out the brooms. Is this really a surprise to anyone? The Lakers' only chance coming in was for Kobe to average 60 a night and hope the Suns go cold from three. That ain't happening.

The Lakers, as a team, are flawed (understatement of the year). Kobe has about two or three years left in his prime but is stuck with a bunch of stiffs. They need to do something in order to not let him go to waste. If I had to remake the entire team from scratch, I'd get rid of everyone except Kobe, Luke Walton, and Ronny Turiaf. The rest of them either don't play hard enough or just plain suck. Unfortunately, it's impossible to start over, so the Lakers need to make a trade this offseason. My favorite scenario? They trade Lamar Odom, Andrew Bynum, and Kwame Brown's contract to the Timberwolves for Kevin Garnett and Mark Madsen.

This trade works out for both sides. Let's face it. Minnesota isn't going anywhere anytime soon. The T-Wolves can do KG a huge favor by shipping him away from basketball purgatory. In return, they'd be getting a serviceable replacement for KG (Odom) for the near future, and a promising young center for the far future (Bynum). Plus, Kwame Brown's $8 million a year contract expires after next season, and they'd be dumping Mark Madsen's contract, freeing up some much needed cap space for the Wolves. Then the rebuilding will officially begin. The Lakers become an instant contender by pairing up Kobe and KG. Both will be insanely grateful to finally have some help. Mark Madsen will finally return to LA, where he is the most beloved white player since Travis Knight. The Lakers can then sign DeSagana Diop (a free agent this offseason), a good defensive center who can rebound and block shots. They'll then go into next season with a starting lineup of Jordan Farmar, Kobe, Luke, KG, and Diop, and a bench consisting of Turiaf, Mo Evans, Vlad Rad, Brian Cook, and Sasha. I'm sure Phil will be able to work with that.

What will actually happen: Mitch Kupchack trades for Sebastian Telfair and resigns Smush Parker and Chris Mihm. He trades Lamar Odom for Adam Morrison. Kobe's prime withers away into dust.

A-Rod is a beast
Alex Rodriguez is currenty on pace to hit 119 home runs and have 290 RBI's. He has outhomered 8 teams by himself, including the Dodgers. He has twice as many home runs as the guy in second place. A-Rod is otherworldy right now. If the MVP were decided today, he would be unanimously chosen, even though the Yankees are 8-11 and last in the AL East.

One of the reasons people hate this guy so much is that he makes a ridiculous amount of money: about $22 million a year. But considering he has more home runs than 8 whole teams, some of which (like the Dodgers, who will be lucky to have 2 or 3 guys exceed the 14 HR's he has right now all year) have payrolls exceeding $100 million, the argument can be made that he's actually worth every penny. He wont continue at this pace. It's impossible. But if he can maintain something even remotely close to it and hits 60 something home runs, I say he is worth his salary. Just consider the ridiculous offseason we just had in which players like Carlos Lee and Barry Zito got 9 figure contracts. Are you telling me A-Rod's not a kajillion times better than both of those players? If he had been a free agent last offseason, it's quite possible he could have signed a deal for even more than he's making now.

Which begs the question: Will he stay or will he go? Do I see A-Rod in Dodger blue next year, with Wilson Bet-he-stinks kicked to the curb? Probably not, since Frank "Cheap-ass" McCourt would never shell out that kind of dough for a player. But we can certainly dream.

Sheryl Crow is crazy
Looks like the break up of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow didn't turn out so well for either side. First Lance became Matthew McConaughey's butt buddy and now this has happened. Sheryl Crow, in an attempt to encourage the preservation of trees, encouraged everyone to use only one square of toilet paper after a poop.

One square.

ONE SQUARE!!!

What is she thinking!? One square!?? Is she insane!?!? I don't know anyone who can clean themselves with one square. It's just not humanly possible. Look, I'm all for saving the earth and all, but if I have to sacrifice anal cleanliness, then you can forget about it. In my view, a few more trees cut down is very much worth the prevention of rectal itch.

Btw, this means that Sheryl Crow is probably walking around with a dirty butt all the time. I will never look at her the same.

The End of an Era
My time as a Dodger employee has come to an end. While I had a good time working there, it's much more fun to be a fan. Yesterday was my final day, and coincidentally it was autograph day. Juan Pierre earned a bit of his paycheck by signing autographs outside the store for an hour. I'd much rather he earn his money on the field, but we all know that ain't happening. Manny Mota and Kenny Landreaux were also with him.

Later, during the game, Pierre dropped a fly ball that my left nut sack could have caught, allowing Jack Wilson (who was tagging up) to score from third. But with his sissy throwing arm, it wouldn't have made a difference had he caught it. It begs the question: what's more embarrassing: Dropping an easy pop-up? or showing 50,000 people that you throw like a girl? Tough call.

Celebrity Sightings of the Day
Other than Pierre, Mota and Landreaux, I also saw Justin Hartley, the dude who played the Green Arrow on Smallville. I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about. Famous, that guy is.

Drewed Again
Last year the Dodgers hit four home runs in a row to beat the Padres. J. D. Drew hit the second of those four homers. Yesterday, the Boston Red Sox hit four home runs in a row to beat the Yankees, with Drew again hitting the second of those four. What an asshole.

Btw, someone in the Dodger store yesterday asked if we had any J. D. Drew autographed balls. He was immediately thrown out of the stadium.

I noticed this a while back and have been meaning to talk about it, but I haven't had the chance. You ever notice guys who, when they're giving interviews or doing analysis, say the name of the sport way too often? Mark Schlereth comes immediately to mind. A typical NFL breakdown with Schlereth goes something like:

Vince Young is a great football player on an up and coming football team. They play hard on the defensive side of the football and don't turn the football over a lot. If they can continue to do that, look for Vince Young and the Titans to do some good things football-wise and surprise the football world this upcoming football season. Football.

I find this absolutely hilarious. Way more so than Phil Simms saying things like, "I think the team that plays better defensively will win this football game." Derek Fisher also does this when giving his TV interviews. Just listen to him next time. He'll drop "basketball" so many times it'll make your head spin. In baseball, Lou Pinella comes to mind, but he doesn't do it nearly as egregiously as these other two.

Some observations I've had so far in this young MLB season

Brad Penny is up to his old tricks again, coming out of the gates hotter than all his actress girlfriends combined. (Really? This fatass gets Alyssa Milano AND Eliza Dushku? The world isn't fair.) He's already 3-0 in his first three starts with an 0.89 ERA. Looks like it's gonna be a repeat of last season, when he blazed through the first half and started the All-Star game, then pitched like he was Mark Hendrickson in the second half. Maybe after the break we can trade him for Elmer Dessens.

Jeff Francoeur already has 6 walks and is on pace for 75. This is amazing considering last year he didn't take a single pitch, successfully fouling off many that were aimed right at his head.

Three fifths of the Yankees rotation is on the DL (Mike Mussina, Chien-Ming Wang, Carl Pavano), meaning they're throwing Andy Pettite, Kei Igawa, and a bunch of minor league callups at the rest of the league. Matsui is hurt, Jeter looks Offerman-esque, and Mariano Rivera's ERA is over 4 points higher than Mark Hendrickson's, which means A-Rod is singlehandedly carrying the team right now. Does all of this matter? Of course not. The next game he goes 0 for 5, Yankee fans will start booing him again. If he doesn't opt out at season's end, he's an idiot.

Dice-K has had a Clemens-like season so far: dominating performances, zero run support. At this rate he'll be reporting to the Sox in May and skipping road trips by the time he's thirty. Btw, who's second on the Red Sox in OPS behind David Ortiz right now? Nope, not Manny. You guessed it. The one, the only, J. D. Drew.

Another example as to why W-L is overrated: Matt Cain has been dominant. He's allowed only 8 hits in 20 innings with 17 K's and a 1.80 ERA. His record? 0-1. This is not fair. It's not Cain's fault the entire Giants starting lineup has AARP membership.

Jason Schmidt was throwing 82 mph fastballs in his last outing. They were so slow the scoreboard operator at Dodger Stadium was calling them change-ups. Now he's on the DL. The last time the Dodgers had a starting pitcher suddenly lose his velocity and began throwing in the low 80's was Hideo Nomo in 2004. And look how great his career was after that. So potentially, with Schmidt on the DL and throwing at Jamie Moyer speed and Juan Pierre hitting an abysmal .220, that's $91 million of Frank McCourt's money down the drain right there. No wonder the cheap mother fucker raised parking prices.

Sammy Sosa is hoppin' around again like the old days as he's currently on pace to hit 37 home runs. Oh the wonders of undetectable HGH. Isn't it great?

Jeff Weaver's line yesterday? 6.0 IP, 7 ER on 10 hits, including one monster grand slam by Torii Hunter. That outing actually lowered his season ERA to 15.75. He will make at least $8 million this year. This is why people hate pro athletes.

So it turns out Josh Beckett doesn't suck after starting the season 3-0 with a 1.50 ERA. He's still an asshole though for plunking Vlad Guerrero on the wrist, rendering him useless until at least Friday and putting my fantasy team in an early-season hole.

Two and a half weeks into the season, the Dodgers have the best record in the Majors at 10-4. I just pissed myself.

Afflalo Bolts
Aaron Afflalo can breathe easy. He won't have to worry about choking in big games for a while, since he'll be spending the next year or two with his ass in a chair. After declaring for the NBA draft today, Afflalo dropped all his classes and began preparation for his pre-draft workouts. He's currently projected as a late first round pick, and will probably follow in the footsteps of fellow Bruin Jordan Farmar by warming an NBA bench or ripping up the D-League.

So how will we reflect on the Aaron Afflalo era? In the past I've put the "black Jason Kapono" tag on him, but that's not such a good comparison anymore. Kapono was a much better shooter and Afflalo a much better defender. Kapono also never got us past the sweet sixteen. Still, at UCLA, a school that is the greatest college basketball institution in history, the all time leader with 11 NCAA basketball championships and 99 overall, the Afflalo era will be incomplete. Only banners are appreciated here. That's just the way it is.

Now the Bruins must look towards next season with a gaping hole in the 2 guard spot. Afflalo and Josh Shipp were the only 2 passable swingmen we had last year, meaning someone new has to step up. I mean, we're not seriously considering starting Michael Roll, are we?

Tomko doesn't suck. Time stops.
Amazing phenomenon took place yesterday that only happens once every 3000 years. Brett Tomko pitched well. In 6 innings, he threw 92 pitches, gave up 1 hit, and struck out 9, propelling the Dodgers to a 2-1 victory. So am I pissing myself yet? Absolutely not. Tomko was half decent to start the season last year, only to implode a month in and revert back to the old Brett Tomko. You know, the one who sucks. That's the Brett Tomko I know, and one start isn't gonna change that perception.

In other baseball news, Dice-K faces Ichiro for the first time in the Major Leagues today. The entire country of Japan will orgasm simultaneously.

After all of the build up, all of the excitement for opening day finally reaches its zenith and the first pitch is thrown, what happens to the Dodgers? Of course, they go down faster than a drunk USC cheerleader. Derek Lowe got slapped around, as has been the case now for his last three consecutive opening day starts. On the flip side, Ben Sheets was throwing bullets past the Dodgers, allowing only 2 hits and pitching a complete game. 2 hits? That's really all we could muster? 2 goddamn hits??? Pathetic.

At least Nomar didn't get hurt.

Yet.

Deja Vu all over again - Last year UCLA got spanked by Florida in the national championship game. Yesterday, the Gators delivered a similar spanking, beating the Bruins 76-66. But don't be fooled by the mere 10 point difference. Florida dominated that game. UCLA was able to make it more respectable with a late run, but it was all for naught. A-Ron Afflalo choked like A-Rod by picking up 2 fouls early and playing about 5 minutes in the first half. Corey Brewer and Lee Humphrey smoked us from three and Al Horford and Joakim Noah combined for 28 rebounds on the inside.

I'll just have to admit it. Florida is a better team than UCLA. They have more talent, both inside and on the perimeter. But they're also well coached. The Bruins were able to beat Kansas (also a much more talented team) in the regional final because Ben Howland pulled down Bill Self's pants and gave it to him from behind. Billy Donovan just would not let that happen. Florida was just too good. Still, I hope Ohio St. can shut Noah's ugly face up in the championship game.

So Bruin fans must wait til next year. There are practically no seniors on the team, meaning everyone could theoretically come back. The two major threats to leave are Afflalo and Darren Collison. If they both stay, next season we'll have a starting five of Collison, Afflalo, Shipp, Mbah a Moute, and Kevin Love, with Mata, Roll, Aboya and Westbrook coming off the bench. Love will give this team the center they so desperately need: Someone who can score inside, rebound, guard opposing bigs, and especially throw the outlet pass (Love's specialty). Do I smell an undefeated season bruin? (excuse the pun)

I LOOOO DE DOYERRRRSS! - It's that time again! Opening day in the MLB began today with the Mets beating the Cardinals 6-1. Tomorrow the other 28 teams get their starts, including the Dodgers, who are in Milwaukee to begin the season. Here's my preview of how this season's Dodgers team will do:

Lineup
Rafael Furcal - .301, 14 HR, 57 RBI, 31 SB, 3 DUI's
Juan Pierre - .289, 2 HR, 39 RBI, 44 SB, 9000 outs made
Nomar Garciaparra - .322, 23 HR, 101 RBI, customary trip to the DL
Jeff Kent - .291, 28 HR, 105 RBI, 67 motorcycles ridden
Luis Gonzalez - .277, 16 HR, 77 RBI, 14 wads of gum sold
Russel Martin - .288, 14 HR, 75 RBI, 2 days off
Andre Ethier - .317, 17 HR, 72 RBI, 3 secret injuries
Wilson Betemit - .267, 21 HR, 58 RBI, 580 errors

Bench
Olmedo Saenz - .309, 8 HR, 37 RBI, 80000 hot dogs eaten
Brady Clark - who?
Mike Leiberthal - will not play

Rotation
Derek Lowe - 17-9, 3.55 ERA, 11 extramarital affairs
Jason Schmidt - 16-10, 3.80 ERA, will break down after this season
Brad Penny - 8-4, 2.97 ERA, traded midseason for Odalis Perez
Randy Wolf - 14-11, 4.16 ERA, will resign for $17 mil per year
Brett Tomko - 3-5, 4.87 ERA, will be demoted to the bullpen after 11 starts

Bullpen
Takashi Saito - 36 SV, 1.97 ERA, returns to Japan
Jonathan Broxton - 22 HLD, 2.45 ERA, loses to Olmedo in eating contest (but just barely)
Joe Beimel - 70 APP, 3.10 ERA, 7 hands cut
Chad Billingsley - 10-6, 3.50 ERA, put into rotation after Tomko sucks it up
Mark Hendrickson - 4-4, 5.67 ERA, why is he still on the team?

Dodgers
90-72
1st in NL West
NLDS: Beat Mets 3-2
NLCS: Beat Phillies 4-2
WS: Lose to Red Sox 4-0
J.D. Drew wins World Series MVP by hitting .900 wih 5 HR and 16 RBI in the series.