I apologize for the long time between now and my last post. Just turned 21 last weekend so my friends and I bolted to Vegas for the weekend. I'm also on spring break and have probably spent about 1 hour in front of a computer all week, so give me a break.

There's not another place on Earth even remotely like Las Vegas. Where else would a city feature an ad campaign that encourages cheating on your wife, sharks and wild cats in casinos, and Louie Anderson and an Australian male strip show in the same theater? It just doesn't get any better than Vegas. Now that I've been able to experience them legally, here are my reviews of the hotels we spent some time in:

1) Excalibur - B-
This is where we stayed. The rooms are very nice: clean, good view, 40 inch plasmas. The food was pretty average though, and so was the gambling. The pool was also closed due to construction, which meant we had to walk over to use the Luxor pool. Major bummer. Shows featured the Tournament of Kings (poor man's Medieval Times), and the aforementioned Louie Anderson and the Thunder from Down Under.
2) Luxor - D
This hotel looks great from the outside, but inside it's crap. The dealers are unfriendly, the service is slow, and hasn't the whole Egyptian thing worn off by now? If it weren't right between Excalibur and Mandalay Bay, I don't think I'd ever pass through here again. Btw, their headline show is Carrot Top. Nuff said.
3) Mandalay Bay - B+ - This is a very nice hotel. Good food, large casino with good looking waitresses, and a friggin' shark reef. What more could you ask for? The only gripe I have is (and I heard this from friends) the excruciatingly long walk we had to take to the pool, only to be told that it was for guests only and we had to use the Luxor pool even though all three hotels are under the same ownership. Makes no sense, but it didn't happen to me. Oh well.
4) Hooters - C+
It seems like the perfect storm: Las Vegas, and Hooters girls. And it was ok, except for a few things. One, we didn't actually get to eat at the Hooters in there cuz the line was too long. Two, the building seems a lot older than it is and the elevators sucked. But overall, people are friendly and you can gamble while being dealt to and served by Hooters girls. Good stuff.
5) Caesar's Palace - A
This, in my eyes, is still the grandaddy of all Vegas hotels. It's got the big mall, great dining, fabulous rooms, and a fantastic casino. Caesar's is what all other Vegas hotels should strive to be. The guys walking around in Roman suits are also pretty funny.
6) Monte Carlo - A
We didn't get a chance to catch the legendary Bellagio buffet, but this one at Monte Carlo was pretty damn good, and cheap too. Maybe I'm a little biased about this place since this is where I usually stay when I've come here in the past. But how can you not like a place that features Lance Burton, Master Magician? Btw, we saw about 32841384 Lance Burton billboards on the highway.
7) Golden Nugget - B -
Probably the best hotel/casino in downtown. The have a shark tank in the middle of their pool which you can swim around, and there's even a waters slide tube that goes right through the tank. Which brings me to the following: What's with people having sharks as luxury pets these days? Swimming around sharks in the middle of the desert just doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I also saw some rapper on TV the other day who had a shark tank in his Escalade. I am truly befuddled by this. Anyway, the Golden Nugget is a quality place. Definitely stop by if you hit up downtown.

I have to say this about Mamba: The other day Kobe failed to score at least 40 points for the first time in his last six games and the Lakers lost to the Grizzlies. Considering the Grizz are Oden/Durant bound, this does not bode well for the Lakers. This also proves that Kobe absolutely has to get off for them to win. And by get off I mean score a lot of points. Not like ... having sex ... by raping any white girls ... or anything like that.

Everyone's Juiced: Word is out that the WWE is being investigated in a steroid probe. Wrestlers who are suspected of using include: Randy Orton, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and others. This is a stupid story, and can't possibly surprise anyone. I'd be surprised if there were any professional wrestlers that didn't use steroids of some kind. And who cares? It's wrestling. It's not like anyone's actually competing.

Speaking of steroids, turns out I could be wrong about the 300 guys getting juiced up for the film. If you haven't already seen their workout, you can catch a glimpse of it here. Although it looks ridiculously intense, I maintain the stance that it's quite probable some of the actors obtained some chemical help. They were just too buff.

Speaking of 300, and looking back on the whole 'choose your next Bond' thing, how was Gerard Butler not chosen as the next James Bond? He seems like the perfect fit. Certainly a much better one than Daniel Craig, who, while OK in Casino Royale, looks a bit Russian for my taste. Butler is not blonde, is a true Scot (like one Sean Connery), possesses great charisma, and can clearly nail all the action scenes required of a Bond film (as witnessed in 300, and, to a lesser extent ... Tomb Raider 2). I truly believe that if 300 had come out 2 years ago, Butler, and not Craig, would be 007. Would it be possible to have a Bond recall?

Actual Sports News
Grady Little was given a one year extension today. Am I happy about this? Well .... argh ... fine. (But not really)

We've gone through 2 rounds of the Big Dance and UCLA is still alive. None of my sleeper picks really made it through, simply because the fucking pumpkin forgot to pick Cinderella up this year. No one under a 7 seed (UNLV) is still in the tournament, which means people winning their pools this year are all gutless adherers to the seeding. But I'm not too bitter. I still have 13 of the sweet 16 right, so I'm not in too bad shape.

Kobe has had to score 115 points in the last two games for the Lakers to squeeze out victories against the Blazers and the T-Wolves. If that doesn't prove the rest of the team sucks balls, I don't know what does.

Note to Students: We're well into finals week, which means everyone is stressed out of their minds. The defense mechanism most overused by students has got to be "I'm going to fail." But do they actually fail? Rarely. It's way too overblown. Everyone's views are so distorted, they fail to take everything into perspective and realize that finals are just tests. We've all taken hundreds of them, shouldn't we be used to this by now? Grade inflation has made it difficult to actually fail a class in this day and age, so it's a little annoying to hear people scream about their imminent test implosions, then come out the other end with a B-. Just like how 40 is the new 30, C (which used to mean average) is the new F. I hate school.

You have offended my family: Yesterday it was reported that none other than Hong-Chih Kuo had tested positive for a banned substance. Since the positive test occurred while Kuo was playing for Taiwan in the Asian Games, he will probably not be punished by the MLB. Nevertheless, this brings a terrible shame upon the Kuo name. What was his excuse? Chinese herbal cough medication that contained ginseng. Seriously. Since when did ginseng show up on the banned substance list? There's a better chance it was my mom's potato salad he had at the last family reunion. After all of the Barry-bashing I've done, it's extremely embarrassing for this to happen not only to a Kuo, but to a Dodger. As if he weren't already an ugly son of a bitch, now he has to add "juicer" to his resume. He'd better win the effing Cy Young this year if he's gonna pull this shit.

Note: Needless to say I won't be purchasing his jersey, even with my employee discount. But should anyone want one, I can hook you up with the jersey of a juicer (Kuo), a drunk (Furcal), a gimp (Nomar), an adulterer (Lowe), or a racist (Kent). Ladies and gentlemen, your Los Angeles Dodgers!

Streaks broken: This past week two long running win streaks were snapped: Roger Federer's 41 match streak, and the Dallas Mavericks' 17 gamer. Since it's March and people are in the mood to make predictions, allow me to make a couple. These losses don't matter, as there will be no stopping either of them this year. Now that Rafael Nadal has kinda fallen off the map, Federer will easily win all four grand slams. Nobody else is even close to his level when he's on, as he will surely be during the big ones. This will also be the year Dirk gets his ring. No one, not Steve Nash and the Suns, not D-Wade and the Heat, and definitely not the Clippers (possible 1st round matchup) is going to stop him. The only way the Mavs lose is if Stu Jackson and the NBA ref corps decides to screw them again, but I don't see that happening. Dirk will win the MVP and the Mavs will steamroll through the playoffs just has they have done in the regular season.

TV drought: What's the deal? Why do all my favorite shows have to go on hiatus at the same time? Heroes is on a break and The Office hasn't ran a new episode since the Clippers were good. The only thing I've got left right now is 24, which got a lot better last week when a crazy-ass Martha Logan stabbed her ex-husband with a fruit knife. It's always great TV when insane ex first ladies go homicidal. You know the writers must have been thinking of Hillary when they wrote that scene.

Selection Sunday has come and gone, and UCLA has fallen from the top. As I predicted a few days ago, the Bruins dropped to a #2 seed after consecutive losses to U-Dub and Cal, two teams that failed to make the tournament. The #1's went to Ohio State, Florida, Kansas, and UNC. This puts us on a collision course with the Jayhawks, quite possibly the deepest team in the nation. In my bracket, of course I picked UCLA to win it all because I'm a huge homer and have no shame. I have Georgetown going down to us in the championship game, so there. If the Bruins flop, then I've got the Hoyas on top (My best Al Sharpton impression).

Sleepers? In each of the last six years (or something like that) a 12 has upset a 5. If it's gonna happen again this year, it'll probably happen with Illinois over Va Tech. I also like Winthrop to get by Notre Dame. The Eagles are riding an 18 game win streak and their only four losses came to top teams UNC, Wisconson, Texas A&M, and Maryland. I was sad to see Santa Clara fall in the WCC championship game to Gonzaga, as I would've taken them as a sleeper had they gotten in. Did I really believe in Santa Clara? No. But I find it funny that they don't play any black guys.

THIS IS SPARTA!!! - 300 was absolutely fantastic. If you haven't seen it, go see it. If you have seen it, see it again (I probably will at some point). Visually, it's absolutely stunning. The battles feature the best hand-to-hand combat scenes I've ever seen in a war movie. The story and dialogue may be way over the top, but that's what a movie like this should be like, as all the cheesy, prideful one-liners work to perfection. It is impossible to not feel fired up after watching this film. I'm placing it in my top 5 war movies list, which looks like:
1) Band of Brothers (not a movie, but still)
2) Saving Private Ryan
3) Breaveheart
4) 300
5) Platoon

Be warned, however: It's just a tad bloody. I'm pretty sure 300 features more beheadings than all the films made in the last 10 years combined.
A couple strange things about the film:
- Seeing Carl from Love Actually play Xerxes. It's quite an interesting role for him. He looks weird: bald, gold plated, a ridiculous amount of piercings, and sounds weird: loud booming god-like voice. I dunno if this works for me. When I think of this guy I still get the picture of him in the Chanel commercial looking across the street at Nicole Kidman and saying, "Her perfume...". Not exactly god-king like.
- The roided up cast. Every single person in the film is ripped out of their minds. I'm fairly certain the producers were just handing out steroids and HGH to every cast member. It's that ridiculous. If BALCO had a mascot, they would definitely be the Spartans. Or the Bondses.

24 is in a rut. The show that has mesmerized me on Monday nights the last few years with its exploding action, unforgiving torture, and patriotism-out-the-ass, has now lost some of its thunder. In my eyes, Heroes is now the best show on television. This is not so much a bash on Jack Bauer, but a tribute to how great the new superhero sensation show is. 24 is still entertaining, but the formula is getting a bit ... dare I say it, old. The first four hours of this season were phenomenal, but by the end of the 2 night monster premiere, they'd fired off most of their bullets. By day 6 we've seen Jack kill hundreds of Arabs. We've seen him get back stabbed by every ridiculous radical who inexplicably holds a position at CTU or in Washington. We've seen the characters we've grown attached to: Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, David Palmer, get slaughtered like cattle. Will anything surprise us anymore?

So what can the producers do to keep the show fresh? Here are a couple suggestions:
1) Can Wayne Palmer. Has any actor who ever portrayed the President of the United States been less convincing? I just can't envision this guy as President. Every time I look at him I get flashbacks to Romeo Must Die when he got thrown out the window. The President of the United States does not get thrown out of windows.
2) Bring back the hotness. Kim Bauer has to come back. So does Audrey Raines. The number of good looking women on this show has waned, and we all know it's impossible for any show to hold up without good looking women (comedies, like Seinfeld, are exempt from this rule). Did FOX really expect to replace two blonde bombshells by dyeing Chloe's hair and adding a cute Arab? Come on now.
3) Change up the formula. How many times can Jack stop terrorists from nuking Los Angeles? They need to change it up. Maybe move the show to a different city ala Nip/Tuck. Maybe have Jack in need of rescue. Maybe add some fresh and exciting new characters instead of the usual monotone-get-down-to-business types.

Keifer Sutherland is signed on to do two more seasons of the show after this one. After his contract runs up, it'd be nice if he called it a series. It'll have been a great run, and I'll watch til the last kill, but all good things must come to an end. It'd be a shame if 24 became the Randy Johnson of TV shows and kept going much longer than it should.

Here are a couple quick hits from the world of sports:

David Beckham's knee will be fine. He'll only be out a month, then he'll be ok to move to LA, so rest assured, the reality show deal is intact.

Kobe's wife was admitted to the emergency room last night after he broke her legs with his natural rape motion follow through.

Brett Tomko actually thinks he can win the fifth starter job. Isn't that cute?

After Aaron Afflalo's 3 point, 1 for 7 shooting performance against Cal in the PAC-10 tournament, A-Rod called him and warned him not to choke in the big dance.

There are reports that Tom Brady has now also knocked up Giselle Bundchen. Impressive, Tom. But you still lose: Tom Brady - 2 illegitimate children. Karl Malone - 67.

So much for that. UCLA laid another foul smelling egg today when they got trounced by Cal 76-69 in OT. Ayinde Ubaka ubombed the ublazes out of the ubuttholes of the uBruins by scoring 29 points on 9 of 12 shooting, 5 of 6 from beyond the arc. Technically, we can still get a number 1 seed in the tournament, but we certainly didn't make a strong case for one. And with the east coast writers itching to move up Georgetown, UNC, Florida and others, I don't like our chances.

Is it just me, or is hype for this 300 movie ridiculous? Everyone and their mothers seem to be exploding in anticipation for this thing, including me. Going to watch it on IMAX this weekend and I gotta say, I can't wait. It's gonna make a bajillion dollars. I'm not even kidding. People haven't been this excited to see naked men fight since, well, ... Borat.

OK, so forget everything I said about UCLA in the last post. They laid an absolute egg against Washington, shooting -8% from the field. They were manhandled by U-Dub's frontline of Spencer Hawes and Jon Brockman, who both recorded double doubles. They still desperately need a big man to compete with the best. UCLA can't expect to win it all with Lorenzo Mata, at 6-9, as the starting center. Kevin Love can't get here fast enough. So they're not #1, but I still think they're deserving of a #1 seed in the tournament, given that they win the PAC-10 tournament, which, at this point, is easier said than done.

Sidenote on the PAC-10 tournament: The cheapest tickets are $130. That is ridiculous. Who would pay triple digits to sit in the nosebleeds for a double-header, one of which you care absolutely nothing about? Damn the ticket-price-setter guy.

In soccer news, David Beckham might have pulled a Shaun Livingston and blown out his knee. The seriousness of the injury is not yet known, but this puts their reality show in grave danger. Btw, if you haven't seen the clip of Ali G interviewing the Beckhams, you need to watch it now. It's hilarious.

Ever since Vladimir Radmanovic hurt himself snowboarding and was fined half a mil by the Lakers, his teammates have given him a hard time about it, giving him the nickname "Half-pipe". I have a better nickname: "Big-clumsy-oaf-who-can't-rebound-anyway-busted-signing-asshole".

Apparently somebody forgot to tell Larry Bigbie he's not Albert Pujols. In his first couple spring training games, he went 5 for 6 with two home runs. He still will not make the team, however, as Matt Kemp will successfully catch a fly ball and throw it back to the infield, prompting Grady Little to piss his pants over the kid's "potential" and hand him a roster spot.

We meet Linderman tonight on Heroes. They showed the back of his head in the previews and so far, he looks just like Colonel Sanders. This is gonna be great.

I passed my urine test.

Welcome to March! Quite possibly the my favorite month of the year (only December can rival it). We've got spring training, the NCAA tournament, spring break, what else could you ask for?

The Clippers certainly could ask for more - with Shaun Livingston out not only for the rest of not only this year, but most certainly next year as well. Just when you thought Elgin Baylor was gaining some competency as a GM, he once again choked at the trade deadline. We could have packaged Livingston, Maggette and picks in a deal for Allen Iverson or Vince Carter, which probably would have revived this team enough to make the playoffs. Instead, we now have nothing, the team is back in the toilet, and Livingston's career is in jeopardy.

UCLA beat Wassu last night to clinch its second consecutive PAC-10 title. Seeing as how the other top seeds are dropping like flies, I see no possible excuse for us to not be ranked #1 overall when the new rankings come out on Monday. The only other team where a valid argument can be presented is fellow 3-loss team Ohio State. But the fact of the matter is, the PAC-10 is a superior conference to the Big 10, with twice as many ranked teams. UCLA is in a better league, and we've got the reputation and consistency of the best team in the country. If that proves not to be the view of the AP and Coaches, then they should all basketball licences revoked.

March is always a time for hope in the world of baseball. Teams always have a clean slate and anything can happen, often causing their fans to experience delusions of grandeur. Hell, last year I was optimistic about having Odalis Perez and Brett Tomko in the rotation. In previous years the Dodgers have found success with non-roster invitees, but this year, there don't seem to be many holes, and the roster looks pretty much set. This means tough luck for Rudy Seanez, Fernando Tatis, Choo Freeman, and others (probably a good thing). Here's how the opening day roster projects (barring injury):

Lineup:
SS - Rafael Furcal
CF - Juan Pierre
1B - Nomar Garciaparra
2B - Jeff Kent
LF - Luis Gonzalez
C - Russel Martin
3B - Wilson Betemit
RF - Andre Ethier

Pitching Staff:
SP1 - Derek Lowe
SP2 - Jason Schmidt
SP3 - Brad Penny
SP4 - Randy Wolf
LR/SP5 - Hong Chih Kuo (gets my vote for 5th starter)
LR/SP5 - Chad Billingsley
MR - Mark Hendrickson
MR - Brett Tomko
LHP - Joe Beimel
SU - Jonathan Broxton
CL - Takashi Saito

Bench:
RPH - Olmedo Saenz
LPH - Marlon Anderson
MI - Ramon Martinez
OF4 - Jason Repko
1B/OF - James Loney
C - Mike Leiberthal

Think this team can win the NL West this year? I certainly think so. There are bound to be some injuries, too. So look for Matt Kemp, Andy La Roche, and others to make the jump at sometime during the season. Ooohh I can't wait!

P.S. - Assuming I passed my urine test, I'm going to be selling merchandise at Dodger Stadium this season. So if any of ya'll need jerseys, hats, etc. I can hook you up. Come to a game and visit me!