You have offended my family: Yesterday it was reported that none other than Hong-Chih Kuo had tested positive for a banned substance. Since the positive test occurred while Kuo was playing for Taiwan in the Asian Games, he will probably not be punished by the MLB. Nevertheless, this brings a terrible shame upon the Kuo name. What was his excuse? Chinese herbal cough medication that contained ginseng. Seriously. Since when did ginseng show up on the banned substance list? There's a better chance it was my mom's potato salad he had at the last family reunion. After all of the Barry-bashing I've done, it's extremely embarrassing for this to happen not only to a Kuo, but to a Dodger. As if he weren't already an ugly son of a bitch, now he has to add "juicer" to his resume. He'd better win the effing Cy Young this year if he's gonna pull this shit.

Note: Needless to say I won't be purchasing his jersey, even with my employee discount. But should anyone want one, I can hook you up with the jersey of a juicer (Kuo), a drunk (Furcal), a gimp (Nomar), an adulterer (Lowe), or a racist (Kent). Ladies and gentlemen, your Los Angeles Dodgers!

Streaks broken: This past week two long running win streaks were snapped: Roger Federer's 41 match streak, and the Dallas Mavericks' 17 gamer. Since it's March and people are in the mood to make predictions, allow me to make a couple. These losses don't matter, as there will be no stopping either of them this year. Now that Rafael Nadal has kinda fallen off the map, Federer will easily win all four grand slams. Nobody else is even close to his level when he's on, as he will surely be during the big ones. This will also be the year Dirk gets his ring. No one, not Steve Nash and the Suns, not D-Wade and the Heat, and definitely not the Clippers (possible 1st round matchup) is going to stop him. The only way the Mavs lose is if Stu Jackson and the NBA ref corps decides to screw them again, but I don't see that happening. Dirk will win the MVP and the Mavs will steamroll through the playoffs just has they have done in the regular season.

TV drought: What's the deal? Why do all my favorite shows have to go on hiatus at the same time? Heroes is on a break and The Office hasn't ran a new episode since the Clippers were good. The only thing I've got left right now is 24, which got a lot better last week when a crazy-ass Martha Logan stabbed her ex-husband with a fruit knife. It's always great TV when insane ex first ladies go homicidal. You know the writers must have been thinking of Hillary when they wrote that scene.