I hope you all enjoyed your turkeys this Thanksgiving, cuz Ned Colletti has made a turkey out of himself over the holiday weekend. Let us examine the moves, remembering that the Dodgers' most glaring need is a power bat. First, he inexplicably gives $45 million over 5 years to Juan Pierre. Now let's think about this. Pierre is basically Kenny Lofton, only 10 years younger and 3 times as expensive. I'd have much rather seen Ned give out a shorter deal to a guy like Dave Roberts than to pay Pierre this much to have an OBP of .330. Power bat acquired? Nope.

Then Ned gave Randy Wolf a 1 year $8 million deal, virtually guaranteeing that Greg Maddux won't be back unless he can find a way to trade Brad Penny's fat ass. Wolf has a career ERA of 4.21. Decent, but nothing special. The Dodgers now have Penny, Lowe, Wolf, Billingsley, Kuo, Hendrickson, Tomko (who wants to go back to starting if they won't let him close) in the rotation. A surplus of starters that aren't any good is not a problem you'd like to have. On the bright side, at least this means Ned won't shell out $50 million for Jason Schmidt. Power bat acquired? Nope.

So what are the Dodgers to do about the slugger they so desperately need? Rumor is, it's Manny time! The Red Sox are making their annual trip to the bazaar dragging a tied up Manny Ramirez behind them. Supposedly this year they're serious about trading him. Supposedly the Dodgers are the front-runners. Supposedly the deal involves Jonathan Broxton, James Loney, and another name or two. Right. And supposedly Britney Spears is hot again. Somebody let me know when this actually happens. Knowing the Dodgers, they'll just sign Jeromy Burnitz.

Weather Complaint of the Day: How the hell did it get so cold so fast? Just last week you could walk around in a T-shirt and shorts and be completely comfortable. Now you'll freeze your balls off trying to walk to class in the morning. Winter needs to give a warning that it's coming. People have told me about it. It's called Autumn. Apparently it's huge on the East Coast. That's the thing about living in L.A. There are only really two seasons: rainy season and fire season. Changes come fast and they stay that way for a while. Time to bring out those puffy jackets!

Since when did Chris Kaman and Andrew Bynum switch talent levels? Bynum had another double double last night when the Lakers beat the overhyped and undersized Chicago Bulls. So far this season, it's hard to tell which LA center is the one deserving of a $50 million dollar contract. Kaman has looked absolutely dreadful, prompting Mike Dunleavy to go small with Tim Thomas and Elton Brand at the 4 and 5 more often. It's working out OK for the Clips, as they've ran off to a 6-2 start, but they've yet to win a road game and will need the Kaveman once the schedule gets tougher. Nobody seems to know what has been bothering him. Some say it's the pressure of fulfilling the expectations of such a lucrative deal. Others say it's his narrow loss to George Clooney in this year's Sexiest Man Alive voting. Either way, he needs to loosen his locks and shake it off or they'll have to call up Boniface N'Dong from the NBDL.

Perhaps the most pressing need for the Clippers right now isn't for Kaman to be himself again, but rather a good three point shooter. The Clips rank dead last in the league right now, averaging 3 three's a game and shooting an abysmal 27.6% from beyond the arc. Now I'm not saying Cassel, Mobley, Maggette and Thomas should start jacking 'em up from distance again, but an accurate spot up shooter would be a huge plus for the Clippers. It would spread the floor for E.B. and maybe give Kaman some room to work and re-confidence himself. So what would I do if I were Elgin Baylor? Why, trade for Eric Piatkowski of course! As the great Bill Walton once inquired, "Where would the Clippers be without Eric Piatkowski, the greatest shooter in the history of Western Civilization?" Where indeed.

Sick Play of the Night: During last night's Lakers-Bulls game, Kwame Brown posterized Andres Nocioni worse than any man should ever be posterized on an and-1 two-handed jam. Kobe was so excited about the play that he went over to congratulate Kwame with a wide grin on his face. Brown mistakenly thought Bryant had called him a vagina. He then wept uncontrollably and missed the ensuing free throw.

In baseball news, the Dodgers announced today that they've re-signed Nomar to a 2 year deal. They say he'll remain at first base, which begs the question: What will they do with James Loney? My guess is he will either move to the outfield or they'll package him in a deal for an outfielder. Either way, the Dodgers can't afford to go into next season with a starting outfield of Andre Ethier, Jason Repko, and Matt Kemp. They might as well put Tommy Lasorda out there and throw meatballs at him.

Random Gripe of the Day: Why do women these days insist on wearing those gigantic clown-sized sunglasses? Who started this trend? Do you actually think it makes you look good? Well I'm tellin' you right here and now. It doesn't make you look good. In fact, it makes you look .... well ... I don't know how it makes you look. Your entire face is covered. Remember ladies: they're sunglasses. They're supposed to block your eyes from UV rays, not shield all of Los Angeles from a solar eclipse.

Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein has proven his brilliance in the recent past, but as of now, he's looking very foolish. He posted the high bid of $51.1 million on the bright young shiny Daisuke Matsuzaka earlier in the week, which waaaaay exceeded the bid of any other team. Matsuzaka will be a good pitcher in the Major Leagues, but at these prices, he'd better be Cy Young good. The $51 million was just a posting fee that will be given to the Seibu Lions of Nippon Professional Baseball. Here was a team that was on the verge of bankruptcy that all of a sudden has enough money to field an entire roster (The posting fee was about three times the entire payroll of the Lions ballclub last year). Now the Sox have to actually sign him to a contract. His agent, Scott Borass-hole, is reportedly seeking a three year deal so Matsuzaka can be a free agent again before he's 30. You've got to figure a 3 year deal will probably end up in the range of $40 million. So in total, the Red Sox will be paying over $90 million for three years of service from Matsuzaka. That's $30 mil a year. That's more than A-Rod makes. That's ridiculous.

It seems now that the Red Sox have grown Steinbrenner-sized pockets. Other than Matsuzaka, Epstein is apparently courting former Dodgers J.D. Drew and Julio Lugo. This just makes me laugh. Word is they're prepared to offer Drew a deal in the range of 4 years, $50 million, which would easily be more than the money he had remaining on his Dodgers contract. I was obviously wrong when I said nobody would be stupid enough to give Drew that kind of money the other day. You never know how retarded people can get. This would be a match made in hell for both sides. Other than New York, there is no baseball town where the team and players are more scrutinized than Boston. J.D. Drew would get killed there. Not just for showing the competitive drive of a potato, but for his inevitable trips to the DL and necessary coddling from his manager to keep him off of that DL. As for Julio Lugo .... , well, have fun with that, Boston. We've already got plenty of guys who can hit .220.

Campus Story of the Day: I'm sure a lot of you have already heard about the Iranian-American student getting tasered at UCLA's Powell Library Tuesday night. If you haven't, you can read up on it and watch the video. This student is an idiot. He claims he purposely did not show his ID because he thought he was being racially profiled. Did he really expect that to fly with the police? In this day and age, police officers need to be extra careful about possible terrorist attacks. If you were a cop and you had to deal with an uncooperative Middle-Eastern man in a public place late at night, it would certainly make you nervous. He should have realized that the ID checks were in place for the safety of all the library patrons, not to offend people. Even if it was blatant racial profiling, all he had to do was show his ID and it would be over, without tasering. It's that simple. What was he trying to prove? Was he trying to become some kind of martyr, yelling "Here's your Patriot Act!" as the police dragged him away? The Patriot Act has nothing to do with him being belligerent with police and refusing to show ID after hours in the library. What a douchebag.

That said, all the tasering was a bit excessive. I'm alright with tasering him once or twice to get him to stop resisting, but three, four, five times? When he's already handcuffed? And threatening other students in the library who were asking for their badge numbers? Unnecessary. You've gotta hand it to the LAPD. Shit like this always seems to happen to them, and it's no coincidence. They're the most racist, hated, and corrupt police department in the nation. The LAPD: to protect, serve, and beat the shit out of minorities in the community.

Now this, I didn't expect. A couple days ago J.D. Drew opted out of the remaining 3 years and $33 million left on his contract to explore the free agent market. Only one word comes to mind regarding this matter: idiot. It takes a true dumbass to guarantee Drew $55 million over 5 years. That person was Paul DePodesta. It takes an even bigger dumbass to throw $33 million from that contract away. Enter J.D. Drew. No front office is going to be dumb enough to give him that kind of money this time.

Ever since he came into the league, Drew and his "weaselliest of the weaselly" agent Scott Boras have demanded nothing less than top dollar, and in most cases have gotten it. Drew is booed horrendously in Philadelphia for holding out for a whole year because the Phillies' offer wasn't good enough when they drafted him 2nd overall. He is booed unmercifully in St. Louis where, after they re-drafted him the year after and gave him $10 million, went on to a career worthy of the Disabled List Hall of Fame. He is booed mightily in Atlanta because, after one year of good health and production, he left them for free agency like they were an unconscious drunk girl who's name he couldn't remember. And he will be booed unrelentingly in Los Angeles for his 106 DNP's in two years and for showing as much emotion as a paperweight. Is there any other player in the league that is so hated in 4 cities? Well, other than A-Rod...

Now the Dodgers will take their new found $33 million and hopefully do something useful with it. Aramis Ramirez has come off the market, but there are still plenty of good free agents and players available via trade that we can acquire. Now that Drew is gone, here is what I would do if I were Ned Colletti:

1) Trade Brad Penny, Joe Beimel, and Andy LaRoche to Atlanta for Andruw Jones and a minor leaguer or two. Sign Jones to a 2-3 year contract extension.
2) Re-sign Nomar to play 3B.
3) Sign Barry Zito.
4) Convince Takashi Saito to stay.
5) Re-sign Eric Gagne to an incentive-laden 1 year deal like the one Kerry Wood just got.
6) Re-sign the old man Greg Maddux.

That doesn't seem like so farfetched of an offseason to me. With those changes the Dodgers' roster would look like:

Rotation: Lowe, Zito, Maddux, Billingsley, Kuo
Bullpen: Dessens, Hendrickson, Broxton, Gagne, Saito
Lineup:
SS Furcal
1B Loney
3B Nomar
CF Jones
2B Kent
LF Ethier
RF Kemp
C Martin
Bench: Lefty PH Betemit, Righty PH Saenz, Martinez, Repko

That's the gist of it. There are still some minor holes to fill like adding another veteran backup outfielder, catcher and another bullpen arm, but those can be easily filled in. Like I said before, this or a similar offseason makeover is very doable. Ned can't just stand pat now that last year's team leader in homers, RBI, and OPS is gone. Changes must be made, and they must be big. So here's hoping Colletti's a lot smarter than Pauly DeeP. My bet is he will be.

Funny sight of the day: It might seem early to some of you, but Campaign '08 bumper stickers are already showing their faces. Walking to work today, I saw a "Hillary Clinton in '08" bumper sticker on the back of a white van resembling the one the D.C. snipers were rollin' in a few years back (no affiliation of course; just what comes to mind whenever I see a white van). Is it really worth backing Hillary right now, or, really, ... ever? I'm all for a woman being elected president, but shouldn't the first female prez be a person people actually like? She would get demolished by any candidate the Republicans put up against her. She's just not a very likeable person. Voting for Hillary would be like rooting for the Kansas City Royals. Sure, you can buy all the tickets and team gear you can afford and support the team will all your heart, but they still have no chance. Hey, maybe the Democrats can sign J.D. Drew to a new deal.

To all those ready to proclaim Andrew Bynum as the next Shaq: Calm the hell down. Don't get me wrong, the kid has had a great start to the season. He's really stepped up his game and has been filling in nicely for Kwame Brown, but I'm just not ready to anoint him the one to bring the Lakers back to the big time like the rest of L.A. seems so eager to do. We're only 5 games into the season and he's averaging about 13 and 8. Decent, but those ain't no Mehmet Okur numbers. So let's not pop blazing erections over a 19 year old kid with a frequently updated MySpace page. All NBA players have good runs every once in a while, even Chris Mihm (when he's not fishing, that is).

On to baseball, where the hot stove is heating up as free-agency signing period officially begins on Sunday. The big news of the day, however, is that the Oakland A's are moving to Fremont, CA. To those of you unfamiliar with Bay Area geography, Fremont is in the South-Eastern portion of the Bay and is an area filled with, as my roommate Joe calls 'em, "Hella rich people." The new ballpark plan features 36,000 seats and will be privately funded for about $300 million. I, personally, could not be happier for Billy Beane and co. If there is one stadium in America that needs to be blown up, ... well, Tropicana Field is it, but McAfee coliseum is definitely second. Large, gray, old, concrete, and unsexy, it's easily the biggest eyesore in the Bay. Now the A's will get to play in a much nicer ballpark and in a community consisting of mostly "hella Whites and Asians," where the average household income is nearly double what it is in Oakland.

With the new location picked out and the stadium planned, the main problem now becomes what to name the team. Fremont is actually farther from Oakland than it is from San Jose, which has been historically Giants territory. The most likely options seem to be the San Jose A's, the Fremont A's, or just to keep the team the Oakland A's, but I have some other good suggestions. Why not take a page out of the Angel's book and name the team "The San Jose A's of Fremont from Oakland," or how about "The Moneyball Masters," or even "The Hella Nor Cal Green Guys." Let the debate begin!

Sidenote: I hear a rumor that the Dodgers were close to a deal that would send Brad Penny and Mark Hendrickson to the Reds for Bronson Arroyo. It's probably an unfounded rumor, but interesting to ponder nonetheless. I would absolutely approve of this deal. Trading a 6' 10" tree who can't pitch and a fatass hothead with a bad back for a guy who had a 3.29 ERA in the Reds' joke of a ballpark AND lead the league in innings last year? If Ned's got this deal on the table, he should pull the trigger immediately. Not to mention Bronson Arroyo is a WHITE GUY ... with CORNROWS! Who doesn't love that!?

Former UCLA Bruin Earl Watson made the Lakers his bitch today. In only 19 minutes of playing time he shot 4/5 for 12 pts and racked up 5 boards, 5 assists, and 4 steals. What were the Lakers to do? There was nothing they could do to stop Watson, Mr. Jesus Ray Allen and the rest of the Sonics. Their defense was more porous than a 15 year old's face. The only hope they had to match a Bruin's intensity was to stick their own Bruin out there, but Jordan Farmar just couldn't keep up tonight. Still, 3-1 ain't bad.

With that said, both the Clippers and the Lakers have gotten off to decent starts on the season. The Clips sit at 2-1 and the Lakes are the aforementioned 3-1. The Lakers can't afford a shitty start, as 16 of their first 20 are at Staples. That means a lot of road games in the future. Kobe's still getting into shape, but the rest of the team looks phenomenal. Andrew Bynum is no longer a juvenile delinquent and Lamar Odom looks like he's finally been off the weed long enough to realize, "I'm pretty fuckin' good when I'm not high." The Clippers are starting to look better as well. After a rusty loss in the opener, they bounced back to trounce the Suns and actually showed a bit of cohesiveness. One problem: Mike Dunleavy still can't coach. We'll see if that kills the team in the playoffs again like it did last year (Inevitable).

Sidenote on the Suns: They look more glaringly beatable now than they ever have since Steve Nash arrived. Without a healthy Amare, they look like they all got punched in the gut. It's as if last season they were just hoping to hold the fort until their wunderkind came back, but now it looks like that might never happen again. Of course, I could be wrong. It could just be they lost all of their powers when Steve "Samson" Nash decided to cut his hair.

Here's how I see the Pacific Division playing out this year:
1) Clippers - Looks like we got the good Tim Thomas-for now...
2) Suns - The Clips abused them inside the other night.
3) Lakers - Ronny Turiaf may be French, but I still like him.
4) Kings - Ron Artest's new CD makes Sexy Back look not as sexy.
5) Warriors - I'm sorry, they're the Arizona Cardinals of the NBA. MDJTT needs to step it up.

The Western Conference playoffs:
1 Spurs over 8 Jazz in 5 - AK sleeps with Eva Longoria. Tony Parker gets revenge with 40 ppg.
2 Mavs over 7 Hornets in 4 - Too Much Dirk.
3 Clippers over 6 Rockets in 6 - Yao's party is crashed by Kaveman.
5 Lakers over 4 Suns in 7 - Kobe runs circles around Raja.

1 Spurs over 5 Lakers in 6 - Andrew Bynum rips Timmy D on his My Space page, gets ass handed to him.
2 Mavs over 3 Clippers in 7 - Too Much Dirk.

2 Mavs over 1 Spurs in 6 - Too Much Dirk.

NBA Finals:
Mavs over Pistons in 6 - Too Much Dirk.

This is the year Dirk finally gets his ring. They won't be blowing any 2-0 leads this time around. You'll see. You'll all see...