Dodgers Pick On Geezer
The Dodgers' offense woke up today as they jumped on Randy Johnson early and beat the D-Backs 9-5. Russell Martin finished a triple shy of the cycle and Randy Wolf got his 9th win. Nomar got benched, which wasn't surprising since he was 0-for-the-series. In the 7th, Brett Tomko relieved Wolf and sucked. No surprise there. Grady Little had to bring Saito in in the 9th because the artist formerly known as Brett Tomko couldn't hold onto a 6 run lead. What an asshole.

I'm surprised Derek Lowe hasn't pulled an Odalis Perez yet. Lowe's pitched three complete games and lost them all. He gets zero run support, as evidenced by yesterday's shutout. Thus his record stands at 8-7. And here comes Randy Wolf, who seems to get all the runs in the world every time out. The world ain't fair sometimes.

One note on pride: Can we be that proud of beating up on Randy Johnson at this point? The guy is pushing 60. He's lost some velocity, and always seems to be on the DL. He doesn't even have the strength to shove photographers these days.

The NBA Draft
Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went 1-2, as expected, but there were some major surprises in this draft with LA ties.

Lakers' Picks:

Javaris Crittenton - Their best pick, by all accounts. A 6'5" point guard who can penetrate, but can't really shoot. Doesn't really fit the triangle but Phil Jackson likes big guards. Good luck getting any playing time over the mighty Jordan Farmar, though. Still, a solid pick considering these next two.

Sun Yue - Who the hell is this fucking guy? I'd only heard about Yi Jianlian, the Chinese Nikoloz Tskitishvili, in this draft. And now apparently there's some other Chinese dude? Has anyone heard anything important about him? He's a virtual unknown. For all we know he could be a rice farming yak herder from the Guangdong province. And just look at his picture:
He looks like the nervous kid in the back of my sophomore math class. This guy's supposed to help the Lakers? Really? Has he even hit puberty yet?

Marc Gasol - Here's what ESPN's Chad Ford had to say about Gasol:
"Pau Gasol's brother isn't a great prospect, but he does take up space in the middle."
Umm... I'm sorry. Was that supposed to be a compliment? Great. So at least we know the guy's a fat ass. Maybe he can go on Shaq's new reality show.

Clippers' Picks:

Al Thornton - Supposedly, the Clips got good value here. He's listed at 6'7" but most say he's really more like 6' 5.75" His game is supposed to be Corey Maggette-like, meaning they might now have a legit reason to trade Corey. Mike Dunleavy has never warmed up to Maggette, so replacing him with a cheaper, younger player looks like a good solution. Knowing Elgin Baylor, he'll end up packaging Maggette and Tim Thomas for Chris Mihm. Knowing the Lakers, they'll reject this offer.

Jared Jordan - When I heard the Clippers had drafted Jared Jordan, I thought to myself, "Michael Jordan's son is that old already?" But alas, Jared is not the progeny of His Airness, rather an exciting point guard out of Marist. For a second round pick, he is solid. If he can make the squad he'll provide some help for the Sam Cassell/Jason Hart duo. If not, there's always the NBDL.

Deee-troit for Afflalo
And lastly, Arron Afflalo was picked by the Detroit Pistons with the 27th overall pick. The former UCLA star will now get to learn from guys like Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince. If he develops and learns to move without the ball more fluidly, I can see him turning into a stronger, better defending version of Rip.

Of course, he'll probably be spending much of his first season ripping up the NBDL. Maybe he can show Sun Yue how they play ball on this side of the pond.

Nomar Moves, Still Sucks
To make room for the blazing hot James Loney, Grady Little has finally decided to move Nomar Garciaparra to third base. To be honest, this move should've happened a month ago to avoid any more Wilson Betemit appearances. Though to be fair, Nomar hasn't been much better than Bet-he'll-miss, or Tony Abreu for that matter.

Still sitting on one home run, Nomar went 0 for 5 today in his first game at his new position. His average dropped to .270 and his OPS is now in the Juan Pierre range. It saddens me to say it, but he looks as if he got real old, real fast. He doesn't have the same bat speed he used to and his power has all but vanished. As much as we all love Nomar, the faster Andy LaRoche matures, the better.

On the bright side, the Dodgers are now back in sole possession of first place in the NL West. But the lead is only half a game, and we could fall right back down tomorrow. Derek Lowe goes tomorrow against Brandon Webb in Sinkerfest '07. It seems like the Padres, D-Backs, and Dodgers will be in a tight race for the rest of the season. Only two of these teams will be making the playoffs, and knowing the Dodgers, we'll be spending October at home watching the Angels win the World Series.

KG and Kobe Now Kaput
It looks like the four-way deal that would bring KG to LA fell through after all. Honestly though, that trade had less hope than Kwame Brown after a Michael Jordan vagina-yelling tirade. I mean, why would Boston ever give up the best young post player in the NBA in Al Jefferson, for a disgruntled star past his prime in Jermaine O'Neal? Jefferson's only 22 for Pete's sake. He'll probably be better than Jermaine O'Neal next year anyway.

So as it stands, the Lakers will be unable to get Kobe any help, thus reaffirming the claims of futility Kobe has made in the past. They passed on Carlos Boozer, Jason Kidd, Baron Davis, and others and now the beast comes back to bite Jerry Buss in the ass. With this deal collapsing, and seemingly no other superstars available that would make Kobe happy, it's safe to say fans of the purple and gold will have to spend a lot of time talking themselves into rooting for the team next year.

"Jordan Farmar and the Lakers take on Yi Jianlian and the Boston Celtics! Tonight, on KCAL 9!"

Just doesn't have a nice ring to it.

Doing the Family Proud
It was Father's Day last Saturday when I last went to Dodger Stadium (see last post). Before I left, my dad wondered if I could get him a Hong-Chih Kuo jersey as a present. I actually considered this for a moment. After all, Kuo was coming off his first win of the season where he hit a home run (and did the infamous bat-flip). Plus, it matches the family name so what the heck, right?

But then I came to my senses and realized that a $90 impulse buy based on one good start probably wasn't such a good idea. Kuo had a history of either being hurt or ineffective. His flashes of brilliance did make it enticing though. If only he could face the Mets every time.

So I didn't buy the jersey. Took my dad out to the Universal Hilton for dinner instead. If you've never eaten at the Universal Hilton, let me paint the picture for you. Imagine a nice hotel cafe and bar converted into a buffet. There are multiple large rooms with tables and the food stations are so numerous that they spill into the hallway leading to the elevator. For your enjoyment, there's also a wandering acapella quartet and a lounge piano player who looks like an 80 year old version of Elton John. Now imagine the place is packed with Asian people, and one poor old white man waiting in the shark-fin soup line. That's the Universal Hilton's Cafe Sierra. For $50 a person you get a loud, uncomfortable environment, but a wide variety of good food and it's all you can eat. We come here about once a year. And this has nothing to do with this post.

That was five days ago. Yesterday, I remembered it was Hong-Chih Kuo's turn in the rotation and flipped to KCAL 9 expecting to see him continue his greatness. It was the third inning and ... Brett Tomko was pitching? The Dodgers were down 10-0 already. Turns out the pride of the family went one and two-thirds innings and gave up 8 runs. Thank goodness I didn't buy that jersey. My dad would have walked around with "KUO" written on his back and shame written on his face. Damn you, Hong-Chih Kuo. Damn you.

A Schmidty End To a Schmidty Season
In other Dodger news, Jason Schmidt had season ending surgery yesterday. Turns out he had a torn labrum, a frayed biceps tendon, and an inflamed bursa (whatever the hell that means). My question is, how the hell did we not know about this before we gave him $47 million? Where the hell was former Giants trainer turned current Dodger trainer Stan Conte? He's been working with Schmidt forever and shoulda known his injuries from last season. It's as if this were a move put on by the evil Giants to purposely sabotage the Dodgers franchise. I smell conspiracy...

The lesson, as always: Never trust a former Giant. I'm watching you, Jeff Kent.

All You Can Vomit
I sat in the all-you-can-eat right field pavilion today and watched the Dodgers get trounced by the Angels 10-4. Randy Wolf sucked for five innings, then Rudy Seanez, Mark Hendrickson, and Brett Tomko sucked after him. It got to the "unwatchable" point around the eighth inning, when my buddy and I just couldn't take it anymore and got the hell outa there.

Rafael Furcal hit his first home run of the season, indicating he might be pulling out of his power slump. Hopefully some of it will rub off on Nomar, who still inexplicably has just 1 home run. But I guess it's fine. I mean, we can make a run in the playoffs playing a #3 hitter with a .650 OPS, right?

A scary moment occurred in the eighth, when James Loney (for some reason inserted to play right field) ran into the wall trying to make a catch and hurt his knee. He was down for about six minutes, causing everyone in the stands to worry (especially Ned Colletti), and had to be carted off. I have a couple problems with this:

First of all, that right field wall scoreboard and its Plexiglas covering have to go. We've now lost Jason Repko, Matt Kemp, and Loney for periods of time because of them running into the outfield wall. What genius thought that would be a good place for a scoreboard anyway? "Gee, let's replace the padded wall with a hard plate. Sure, we'll probably lose a few outfielders, but at least people will be able to see what the score of the Reds-Pirates game is." Someone needs to be fired over this.

Secondly, James Loney should never have been able to leave the infield. He's a first baseman, and a damn good one at that. He's a god-awful outfielder. I know it may have opened up a little more playing time for him, but he won't be playing very much on the DL. Nomar was playing his way on to the bench anyway, why not give the kid some work at his natural position? It's not as if we don't have enough young outfielders who need playing time already (Kemp, Andre Ethier). This makes no sense to me.

As for the buffet itself, ... a great concept that could use a little tweaking. The all-you-can-eat items included regular Dodger Dogs (of which you can get two at a time), nachos, peanuts, and soda. That's it. And the Dodger Dogs were not of the grilled variety. Next season, I would like to see them include the Super Dodger Dog as well as some other menu items like cotton candy, pretzels, and iced malts/lemonade (which would make a world of difference in the shade-less pavilion).

But by far the biggest peeve I had about the buffet was the soda cups, which were about the size of a small soda at McDonald's. I'm sure this is the McCourts' way of attempting to deter people from consuming too much and thereby cutting down on their profits, but that's just stupid. When I'm sitting in 90 degree heat under the blistering sun, I am going to drink as much cold soda as I can get my hands on. So the least they could do is give me something that holds 20 oz. There is absolutely no excuse for forcing patrons to make repeated trips to the soda machine and miss large portions of the game because the cups are too small. And believe me, when it's that hot, you never want to be caught without something cold to drink in your hand. If they really want people to drink less, put a damn canopy over the pavilion and give us some shade. Assholes.

Overall though, it was a pleasurable experience and I encourage everyone to do the buffet thing once just so you can see what it's like. Hopefully by then they'll have made some improvements. As of right now, I give it a B.

Dodgers Offense is Offensive
We're ten days into June and it's not looking like a good month, for the Dodgers' offense has been the epitome of futility. I'd say they've hit a new low, but that would imply that they could hit anything at all. In the ten games played this month, the team is averaging a pitiful 3.3 runs per game, often wasting magnificent pitching performances in the process.

Take yesterday for example, when Derek Lowe went the full 9 innings, gave up only 1 run (a Matt Stairs solo homer) but still lost as his offense was shut out by Shawn Marcum, Scott Downs, and Casey Janssen. Yeah. I've never heard of 'em either. The Dodgers had 8 hits, but stranded 9, and left two innings with the bases loaded having not scored a single run. It's amazing D-Lowe hasn't gone Perez on anyone yet (Carlos or Odalis, take your pick).

The Dodgers are now 2nd to last in the National League in homers, triples, and slugging percentage, and have fallen 1.5 games out of first place. Juan Pierre looks like $45 million down the toilet, Nomar hasn't homered since the Reagan administration, and Jeff Kent looks like he's about ready to cash in his social security. Watching them makes me want to vomit.

Gilbert a Goner?
Gilbert Arenas said today that he will opt out of his contract when given the option after next season. He has expressed his desire to remain in Washington, although it doesn't hurt to fantasize. Would Gilbert really turn down a max contract offer from the Los Angeles Clippers? Would the Grant High School product pass up the opportunity to return home and play in front of his family and friends on a good team?

The Clippers are a perfect fit for him since, let's be honest. There's no real future for him with the Wizards. They're not going anywhere with the frontline they have. But with Elton Brand and company, they'd be a force. Sam Cassell is ready to retire and Shaun Livingston might not ever play again. Gilbert would definitely move the Clips into championship contention. The only problem would be clearing some cap space (i.e. trading Tim Thomas).

Killer Tomato Comes Through
The Dodger bullpen hasn't exactly been lights out lately. First Jonathan Broxton gets hammered in San Diego, and last night, on Takashi Saito's first night back from injury, he blew his first save in his last 27 chances. Leading 2-1 in the 9th, Matt Stairs came up and knocked one out of the park to tie it up. Joe Beimel then gave up the go-ahead run in the 10th. Luckily, Olmedo Saenz was there to save the day. After Tony Abreu walked to lead off the bottom of the 10th inning, Saenz drove a pitch into the seats to win it for the Dodgers. He was mobbed at the plate as "Killer Tomato" flashed across the stadium (a welcome break from the shameless advertisements that usually occupy those spaces).

Tonight, Derek Lowe goes against ... some guy I've never heard of. Toronto sucks. If we don't sweep this series it'll be a total fucking disaster. The only reason to watch this weekend is for the givaways the team's having (Beach Towels, Hollywood Stars game, Alarm Clocks). GOOO DODGERS!

Roger Comes Back, America Weeps With Joy
Roger Clemens made his 2007 Major League debut today, pitching 6 innings, allowing 3 earned runs, and earning his 349th career win. Now the Yankees are only 10 games out of first place. I think I'll wet my pants.

Akon Still Can't Deal With Kids
There he goes again. Akon threw a 15 year old boy off the stage at one of his recent concerts. This guy sure has a way with minors. Luckily, someone was nice enough to take a picture of the incident.

Those who recognize trends will remember him freaking with a girl who turned out to be 15 years old as well a couple weeks ago. Thank god for cameras.

To be fair, there's no bloody way he could have thought she was only 15. Wearing that, she looks plenty old enough. Her parents should be shot for letting her out of the house wearing that whore uniform. Still, If I were Akon, I'd be taking it easy from now on. Here's an idea: don't let any fans on stage during the show.

As If We Didn't Have Enough Kobe
As annoying as it is to deal with all this Kobe stuff, it's always fun dreaming up the future. Two possible trade scenarios proposed in Bill Simmons' basketball blog particularly intrigued me. While they may not be the most likely, they're definitely the most interesting.

1) Kobe to the Mavs for Josh Howard, Jason Terry, and Jerry Stackhouse ($7.3 million sign-and-trade)

This trade works for everyone. Kobe would gladly wave his no-trade clause to go play on a contender in Dallas. The Mavs would have a starting five of Devin Harris, Kobe, Dirk, DeSagerick Dampiop, and whatever small forward they decide to throw in there. They won't lose anything on defense (Kobe's just as good a defender as Howard, if not better) and Kobe will solve Dallas' major weakness: Dirk's inability to score in the clutch. They could start my ass at the three and still win it all with that team.

The Lakers' 07-08 starters would then be Terry, Howard, Luke Walton, Lamar Odom, and Andrew Bynum. With Phil Jackson at the helm, that's still a playoff team. Plus, if the Lakers wish to get even younger, they now have a plethora of attractive trading chips.

2) Kobe and Vladamir Radmanovic to the Suns for Shawn Marion, Leandro Barbosa, Marcus Banks and Atlanta's 2008 1st round pick

What the starting fives for both teams would be post-trade:
Suns - Steve Nash, Kobe, Raja Bell, Boris Diaw, Amare Stoudemire
Lakers - Barbosa, Walton, Marion, Odom, Bynum

Again, the Lakers would still be good enough to make the playoffs, continue the rebuilding, and keep all hell from breaking loose in Los Angeles. They'd also get rid of Vlad Rad's fat-bloated-snowboarding-leg breaking contract. But just look at that Suns team. With Kobe around, they'd be unstoppable. Even Vlad the 3-point camper would prosper. 70 wins would not be out of the question and they'd steamroll the league straight to the title. The only question is if Kobe and Raja Bell could keep from going jiu-jitsu on each other.

In both these scenarios, the Lakers stay afloat, get some trading pieces, and get rid of a disgruntled superstar. But the exciting part is that each would create a dominant team; a consensus favorite for the 07-08 title. Just imagine: Kobe playing alongside Dirk, or Nash and Amare. My body shivers just thinking about it.

A Bad Week for A-Rod
First, Alex Rodriguez gets caught enjoying a night on the town with a hot blonde. A-Rod's wife ain't blonde. Then he's frowned upon for yelling at a Blue Jays rookie third baseman while passing by on the base paths, causing him to drop a popup. I don't understand what the big deal is. Was it a Bush League maneuver? Maybe. But if it you look at it that way, so is throwing vaseline balls, stealing signs, and decoying runners. There are so many little things in baseball that are unethical but overlooked as part of the game. What A-Rod did is no different. This sort of thing happens all the time. If Derek Jeter had done the same thing, the media would instead be saying what crafty gamer he is. Then again, A-Rod doesn't date Jessica Beil.

Grady Little Is Lame
Lou Pinella was ejected from a game this weekend and threw another great tantrum, throwing his hat, yelling his head off, and kicking dirt on the umpire. For that, he gets suspended indefinitely. Grady Little was also ejected this weekend, but showed about as much emotion as J. D. Drew opening a fortune cookie. Grady said about 2 sentences, got tossed, and quietly walked his ass back into the clubhouse, where he quickly plugged himself back into his morphine drip. At this point, would you be surprised if you found out he wasn't constantly on some kind of sedative? What a shame. Stay in school, kids.